Updated: Sep 17, 2020
If time heals all wounds, and time is a construct within our own minds as a measure of relation, then all wounds never existed but within the mind, and therefore can be healed instantly.
But who is on this level? And really what does it take to get there? More practices measured in time and space???
Or could it be as simple as returning to the Seer to see that you are already whole? You are complete right here, right now. You can dance in between the shadows and sparkling light. As one. As perfect wholeness from which pure joy and peace arise. Flowing effortlessly, incandescent, as a filament of light.
It’s possible to enjoy all the emotions that ebb and flow. Truly and deeply knowing that they are just visitors of this experience. They are friends to acknowledge. We can enjoy the messages they bring us as tangible knowingness of our higher possibilities to let them go.
Letting go has been a practice of priority these past months and a major realization of the inherent abilities that lie within. But first, I had to really learn what it meant to choose me. Or for the more well versed, how the Me returned to rest in the I. Let’s start there…
Eight years ago, my deepest core wound of Rejection was unveiled.
I recall my first teacher telling me that this is possibly one of the trickiest wounds to heal from, because your sense of self worth is so crushed, and you literally feel like you are not worthy of anything or anyone.
Not worthy to create, enjoy, be chosen, loved, or accepted. This has played out in all aspects of my life. Repeating over & over until I got the strength, or remembered my strength to choose me. Little by little I started. Possibly the first choice of “me” was when I decided to leave an unhealthy marriage.
That didn’t quite cut it. In all my relationships, friendships, work-ships, etc… I was still seeing/feeling a deep need to be accepted. Working diligently on my own acceptance for all these years and here I thought I was good. Well last fall an experience occurred that allowed me the opportunity to feel what it was like to really choose me and that would eventually lead to my full self-acceptance and experiencing freedom in a way not previously known.
November 2019 I was propositioned about being in an open-relationship. This was something that has never been presented to me, so like all major decisions, I sat with it. Not right away because the initial response in my body was deep sadness, and rejection! I was not enough. I did not look good enough, behave good enough, I must’ve said and did wrong things in all areas, or why would someone be asking this of me? Why wasn’t I enough???!!!
It is NEVER about us. When we get triggered from what someone else says or does, this shows us where we still have issues to work through. Just because I teach this, does not make me a perfect human.
After deep pain, and chaotic nights, lost in the stories of my mind, I finally just sat with all the emotions. Acknowledged these visitors. The conclusion that arrived, was that there are already enough people in a 1:1 relationship, and this was all I desired to be involved with. Me and the partner relationship; me & my inner child; him & his inner child; my inner child & his inner child. That’s like 4 relationships all dancing together within just 2 people! I for sure don’t want more than that. Plus, we had only been dating for a couple months, so there was no foundation of trust for an open relationship. Never say never, but right then, I became really clear that I desired a long-term, monogamous relationship.
In the past I would have easily given in to please a man so I could just be accepted and have someone in my life. I would’ve sacrificed what I really desired so that I could enjoy companionship and a sense of belonging. Because this courting was long-distance, on some level it kind of made sense to date other people. However, every time I checked in with my heart & soul, that felt horrible!
And so I chose me!
Knowing full well this may lead to the end of whatever this relationship was. When I made this decision, something in me opened up like a portal of depth with roots in places I didn’t know existed. A kind of electrical strength surged through my being as if I had been electrocuted by a golden God.
When I relayed my decision to the man about 3 weeks later, (that’s how long I took to sit with it,) I felt a sense of invincibility! Wonder-mutha-fuckin-woman! In that moment he did not give a response but it didn’t matter because I felt like a whole new Goddess!
I FINALLY stood in my power & spoke my truth about what felt good to me and what my heart & soul wanted!!! WOW, so this is what people have been talking about!
The next morning I awoke and immediately felt/knew something in me had shifted forever. I literally saw the world with different eyes. Colors were more vibrant, scents were more profound, tactile felt deeper than 3d. I had chosen ME! Not a man over me and my well being.
This next part was a bit confusing when it happened, but as clarity has arrived in the past months, I can attempt to put it into the best words I know how.
After that conversation, he leaned in big time! Into the relationship. I felt we were closer and stronger than ever. (Little backstory: We were friends first, for like 9 years and this made things even more fun, comfortable and I felt safe to be completely vulnerable with him.) And so I assumed (mistakenly) that he was on board with what I had said. It wasn’t until I felt distance about a month later, that I questioned this. Didn’t question it right away, but as weeks went by, I felt him obviously pulling away, and observed myself getting defensive, demanding, and short tempered. Fearful.
I finally asked if he had a response to my decision from back in December. He said he was afraid to ask himself the harder questions & was truthfully scared to loose me as a friend. Well I knew from those statements what his decision was, and at the same time, felt so used and manipulated like an object.
Right before this intense Quarantine in March, he fessed up that he was not in a place to give me what I wanted. This is something that I already knew, and had known from the start, but ignored it. And so anger came in. Mostly at me for ignoring my gut instinct. I would like to think he did not purposefully use me. He was my friend. I trusted him and felt safe, so there’s no way he would knowingly hurt me right??? But then he declared that he was fearful that he had been wasting my time. (Imagine an explosive sound going off right now!) HUGE bomb drop that confirmed he WAS aware of what he had been doing.
The isolation of the virus, along with the ending of whatever we were and his ghosting on top of that, brought up & in tremendous and terrifying feelings of rejection, abandonment, and betrayal. Like gigantic crushing waves that kept slamming me into states of immobility. I chose me, and stood in my power, so how come I felt so horrible now??? These emotions had to arise in this amazing way so I could acknowledge them, release them, and finally be free.
When we repress or suppress emotions it creates stress in the body. Like a pressure-cooker building up and then it explodes as projections into our outer world. SO just because this is my truth & story right now, does not make it real or his truth. It’s the projection my mind needed for these emotions to come whipping up.
Since there was nothing else to do in isolation, I chose me again. To really sit and feel these emotions on every level in every cell in my body. The past 4 months have been some of the most intense times in my life (as it has been for us all) and I got the opportunity to really comb through my relationship patterns, behaviors, responses, and stories.
Expressing all of this through journaling, dancing, running, working-out, throwing ice outside, and bucket-loads of tears. Diving into these emotions was like diving into a black hole the size of the grand canyon in my soul.
But then….BUT THEN they began to dissipate.
I tried to reckon and explain in my head what had happened, or what he was thinking or his intentions. Why did I feel so used and under-valued? This only drove me more mad until finally I realized that none of it mattered. What happened, happened, and my different perspectives have allowed me to really acknowledge, accept and release these deep seated emotions.
I got to choose me over and over, and this has brought in a sense of unfailing self-acceptance. That I AM enough, and if someone else can’t see this, then they are no longer enough for me and it’s ok to let them keep walking with the utmost love & compassion from my heart. And that’s OK! He served a fantastic purpose for my growth despite my realization of his narcissistic tendencies!
Now I know my boundaries, values, and desires so I can discuss them in relationships early on and be done with sharing my space & time with those that are emotionally unavailable or aren’t in alignment with the way I wish to live. I have been playing small to try and fit in and be accepted. Now I know what it really feels like to chose me over and over, and so this has been ingrained in my bodies. In my emotional state. I am whole and complete right now!
Being able to let go of these emotions, and stories of the past is like removing a 100 pound pack from my shoulders. AHHHHH FREEDOM!
Practicing Self-realization and stepping into deeper self-inquiry. Who is the I that chose me? And who is the me that got chosen? Paradoxal fun! Coming back into my Self, the awareness, the being, the expansive space from which deep peace arises, has been the most powerful and beautiful revelation. I feel stronger, more alive, and rooted in my being, AS THE BEING!
They say forgiving is the last step in healing and one teacher speaks as it is “for-giving.” Just today I’ve been given a remindful gift that there is nothing to forgive. All was and is perfect. When I energetically let the whole situation go, (which actually happened as I wrote this; writing= therapy for me,) what was left was the deepest sense of LOVE that I’ve ever felt. My heart space feels more open, strong and pulsating with bouts of pounding love in my chest that echo throughout my body.
And so I say THANK YOU Sweet Divine for giving me this opportunity to return to my center yet again and finally release patterns that have been ruminating for so long in the mind.
THANK YOU for helping these emotions to come up in me so violently that it shook me into the stillness of peace & love. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to choose me. Over, and over again. Thank you for the pain that led me back to my own freedom.
So time doesn’t heal all wounds. Love does and we ARE that love. Acknowledge your wounds. Let your heart break open. Let your pain lead you back to your dignity and Self. When we reside in the Self and the deep knowing that we are expansive eternal-ness, then rejection, abandonment, and betrayal cannot shake us ever again. They are just visitors delivering a message….so please CHOOSE YOU. Let go baby, and choose your SELF!
And so it is. So be it. Blessed be.
All my sweet, fierce, and complete LOVE,