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The Freedom of Choosing ME

Updated: Sep 16, 2020

If time heals all wounds, and time is a construct within our own minds as a measure of relation, then all wounds never existed but within the mind, and therefore can be healed instantly.

But who is on this level? And really what does it take to get there? More practices measured in time and space???

Or could it be as simple as returning to the Seer to see that you are already whole? You are complete right here, right now. You can dance in between the shadows and sparkling light. As one. As perfect wholeness from which pure joy and peace arise. Flowing effortlessly, incandescent, as a filament of light.

It’s possible to enjoy all the emotions that ebb and flow. Truly and deeply knowing that they are just visitors of this experience. They are friends to acknowledge. We can enjoy the messages they bring us as tangible knowingness of our higher possibilities to let them go.

Letting go has been a practice of priority these past months and a major realization of the inherent abilities that lie within. But first, I had to really learn what it meant to choose me. Or for the more well versed, how the Me returned to rest in the I. Let’s start there…

Eight years ago, my deepest core wound of Rejection was unveiled.

I recall my first teacher telling me that this is possibly one of the trickiest wounds to heal from, because your sense of self worth is so crushed, and you literally feel like you are not worthy of anything or anyone.

Not worthy to create, enjoy, be chosen, loved, or accepted. This has played out in all aspects of my life. Repeating over & over until I got the strength, or remembered my strength to choose me. Little by little I started. Possibly the first choice of “me” was when I decided to leave an unhealthy marriage.

That didn’t quite cut it. In all my relationships, friendships, work-ships, etc… I was still seeing/feeling a deep need to be accepted. Working diligently on my own acceptance for all these years and here I thought I was good. Well last fall an experience occurred that allowed me the opportunity to feel what it was like to really choose me and that would eventually lead to my full self-acceptance and experiencing freedom in a way not previously known.

November 2019 I was propositioned about being in an open-relationship. This was something that has never been presented to me, so like all major decisions, I sat with it. Not right away because the initial response in my body was deep sadness, and rejection! I was not enough. I did not look good enough, behave good enough, I must’ve said and did wrong things in all areas, or why would someone be asking this of me? Why wasn’t I enough???!!!

It is NEVER about us. When we get triggered from what someone else says or does, this shows us where we still have issues to work through. Just because I teach this, does not make me a perfect human.

After deep pain, and chaotic nights, lost in the stories of my mind, I finally just sat with all the emotions. Acknowledged these visitors. The conclusion that arrived, was that there are already enough people in a 1:1 relationship, and this was all I desired to be involved with. Me and the partner relationship; me & my inner child; him & his inner child; my inner child & his inner child. That’s like 4 relationships all dancing together within just 2 people! I for sure don’t want more than that. Plus, we had only been dating for a couple months, so there was no foundation of trust for an open relationship. Never say never, but right then, I became really clear that I desired a long-term, monogamous relationship.

In the past I would have easily given in to please a man so I could just be accepted and have someone in my life. I would’ve sacrificed what I really desired so that I could enjoy companionship and a sense of belonging. Because this courting was long-distance, on some level it kind of made sense to date other people. However, every time I checked in with my heart & soul, that felt horrible!

And so I chose me!

Knowing full well this may lead to the end of whatever this relationship was. When I made this decision, something in me opened up like a portal of depth with roots in places I didn’t know existed. A kind of electrical strength surged through my being as if I had been electrocuted by a golden God.

When I relayed my decision to the man about 3 weeks later, (that’s how long I took to sit with it,) I felt a sense of invincibility! Wonder-mutha-fuckin-woman! In that moment he did not give a response but it didn’t matter because I felt like a whole new Goddess!

I FINALLY stood in my power & spoke my truth about what felt good to me and what my heart & soul wanted!!! WOW, so this is what people have been talking about!

The next morning I awoke and immediately felt/knew something in me had shifted forever. I literally saw the world with different eyes. Colors were more vibrant, scents were more profound, tactile felt deeper than 3d. I had chosen ME! Not a man over me and my well being.

This next part was a bit confusing when it happened, but as clarity has arrived in the past months, I can attempt to put it into the best words I know how.

After that conversation, he leaned in big time! Into the relationship. I felt we were closer and stronger than ever. (Little backstory: We were friends first, for like 9 years and this made things even more fun, comfortable and I felt safe to be completely vulnerable with him.) And so I assumed (mistakenly) that he was on board with what I had said. It wasn’t until I felt distance about a month later, that I questioned this. Didn’t question it right away, but as weeks went by, I felt him obviously pulling away, and observed myself getting defensive, demanding, and short tempered. Fearful.

I finally asked if he had a response to my decision from back in December. He said he was afraid to ask himself the harder questions & was truthfully scared to loose me as a friend. Well I knew from those statements what his decision was, and at the same time, felt so used and manipulated like an object.

Right before this intense Quarantine in March, he fessed up that he was not in a place to give me what I wanted. This is something that I already knew, and had known from the start, but ignored it. And so anger came in. Mostly at me for ignoring my gut instinct. I would like to think he did not purposefully use me. He was my friend. I trusted him and felt safe, so there’s no way he would knowingly hurt me right??? But then he declared that he was fearful that he had been wasting my time. (Imagine an explosive sound going off right now!) HUGE bomb drop that confirmed he WAS aware of what he had been doing.

The isolation of the virus, along with the ending of whatever we were and his ghosting on top of that, brought up & in tremendous and terrifying feelings of rejection, abandonment, and betrayal. Like gigantic crushing waves that kept slamming me into states of immobility. I chose me, and stood in my power, so how come I felt so horrible now??? These emotions had to arise in this amazing way so I could acknowledge them, release them, and finally be free.

When we repress or suppress emotions it creates stress in the body. Like a pressure-cooker building up and then it explodes as projections into our outer world. SO just because this is my truth & story right now, does not make it real or his truth. It’s the projection my mind needed for these emotions to come whipping up.

Since there was nothing else to do in isolation, I chose me again. To really sit and feel these emotions on every level in every cell in my body. The past 4 months have been some of the most intense times in my life (as it has been for us all) and I got the opportunity to really comb through my relati