PTSD
10 months to deal with the Post Traumatic Stress that I experienced in 2022. I even procrastinated, all day today, in writing this. I haven’t worked on an actual piece of writing since March of 2020. So nerves are abound. Even if nobody ever reads these words, this is my process of final expression and release in my life. So first and foremost, this is for me.
It’s the New Moon in Scorpio, and thus, time to express and release a shadow that has been in me. Something I wasn’t really suppressing, but not ready to talk/write about. This is a certain kind of death for me, a final letting go and moving on. So typically releases are for full moons, but Scorpio is the sign of death/rebirth. Two nights ago in meditation, I could really FEEL that my inner light is not only fired up and powerful, it is a different kind of light this time. There is fear about what I will share here. More than that fear, there is an “I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me any more” attitude.
For me, the PTSD has come in and been transmuted as: Pain, Truth, Surrender, Discovery.
There are a good number of people in my life that know what happened, or at least came to culmination, at the beginning of 2023. Specifically on February 2nd. For those that aren’t aware, here’s a summary:
I had 3 dear friends come over to help me get a very verbally/ emotionally abusive alcoholic out of my home. He didn’t know. They packed him up, and when he came home from work, I asked for my keys back and gave him his stuff. He went peacefully and without any strong arming. I’ve never seen or talked to him since that night. Blessed be. I realize how bad it could have gotten (he was physical with throwing and banging things around) or how hard the dissolution could have been. I am very thankful that it ended more or less, easily. Although, it was one of the absolute hardest moments and decisions of my life.
Pain:
I am not qualified by any means to diagnose anyone. Ever. After reading A-LOT I feel it’s possible for him to have had some kind of narcissistic qualities or personality issues. At the very least, he has so much hurt and wounding that he knows nothing else but to throw it on others. Why do I think the aforementioned? My perspective and reality were blurring and crumbling at a very rapid rate. I was literally losing myself. Almost as of I was going physically blind little by little each day. The manipulations, shaming, gaslighting, criticizing, lies, and flat-out verbal abuse started slowly almost one year prior. After he moved in October of ’22 it was consistent within a week. “Your disgusting! Why would you cook, eat, walk, wear, sing, laugh, watch that? What is wrong with you? You are overreacting! Don’t be such a baby. This is all your fault. You’re a cunt, bitch, crazy, I hate you!” These are just a few examples of what I heard regularly. And I was ALWAYS the one to apologize. It no longer shames me that I put up with this. Anger followed that, then disgust, now clarity, and those are all a higher vibration than shame.
Not to mention the insidious arguments- mostly when he was extremely drunk, that occurred weekly and most times more than that. All of that was painful enough, but the most painful was after it ended and I had to take responsibility for letting someone do this to me. I could see it. I could see the red flags almost from the get-go. I choose to ignore them. I was in deep denial. The person he showed me (or pretended to be) a small percentage of the time was SOOOOOOOOO great! I really thought my ideal man. SO, these abusive times were someone I though he would grow out of, or maybe heal from. I honestly didn’t think I could heal him, or was trying to, so that wasn’t an aspect. I did think that by loving enough, being compassionate enough, or patient enough, would maybe help him through his pain. After the hard decision to kick him out, the pain got worse. You may ask, why was it hard to kick him out? The mental and psychological cage that this abuse puts one in, like I said, breaks down your reality of what is healthy for you. The world blurs. Your judgment of yourself blurs. I am very thankful for the friends and family I have that helped me to see what kind of situation I was in.
The pain after, directly affected my personal Spiritual practices and Shakti Rev business. I felt, thoroughly, that I had absolutely ZERO business guiding others when I had let this happen to me. I know people put me on some kind of spiritual pedestal like I have it all figured out. I was embarrassed that I couldn’t live up to these expectations. Or any expectations that I may have self-imposed. It was also incredibly difficult to focus and hold space for the pain of others when I felt like my soul had diminished and heart had evaporated. So none-the-less, and without blame, clients started to falloff. My energy wasn’t the same. My passion was gone. My passion for living was even gone. I had deep and consistent recurring thoughts of suicide. The only other time I felt this much pain was watching my Mom pass from caner in 2008. I was lost. All I could do was take it day by day, and sometimes minute by minute. I have so much understanding and compassion for people who have been (or are going) through such terrifying abuse. I cannot imagine what more months, years, or decades would be like.
Truth:
From this pain came truth. I had to get real honest with myself. First, I knew that I had all the tools and then some to get me to a place where I could fly again. Even though at times I didn’t even want to get to that place. Part of me was like “Fuck all of that. It was all a lie. There is no light in me, and I just need to survive at this point. Fuck Spirituality.” I chose to do this alone. After a decade of working with teachers and mentors, I knew that I had to do this myself. Maybe part of it was feeling like I put myself there, so I had to dig me out. This initiation was and is all about me taking responsibility for who I had been, who I was in that relationship, and who I wanted to be moving forward. It was not an AH-HA moment. This realization came over months.
Truth that I chose some low-kind of companionship, ignored the red flags, put up with the abuse, because the isolation had just gotten to be too much. Not just from covid & pandemic, but since I got back into country in 2016. Living with my Dad was beautiful and amazing for our relationship and I will be forever grateful for his support while building Shakti Rev. There was also a noticeable longing in me for friends, people, companionship. Most others I knew were in relationships, and having kids, buying homes, etc.. I was spending my every moment working on business, and trying to figure out how to do it myself. Not much of a social life and for sure no love life. So after moving to Seattle, and doing well for myself, I was really excited to connect with this man, whom I had met 7 years prior. He met me in Mexico for 2 weeks and we had THE MOST WONDERFUL 2 weeks of my life. Too good to be true….? Obviously. I rushed in. I pressured, controlled, and forced this thing. This unhealthy entity. Now I know this truth: I'd rather be alone and safe, than in any kind of relationship that does not serve my highest and best. Hard lesson to have learned, but I feel this is how it needed to happen for me.
Also, truth that I had to be patient for this healing process and that it very well might be a long time before I can trust myself, the Divine, or another lover. The impending isolation of these thoughts also brought on a lot of pain, but I knew that healing is not linear and my process will go through what it will at exactly the right pace. My life has never, nor will ever, look like anyone else’s path. Truth that I truly needed to heal these attachment styles in me and be able to stand independently with my own heart, more deeply than I had thus far. Truth that all the healing work I’ve done so far was just getting me ready for this time.
Surrender:
To the process. To the pain. To the truth.
Finances were falling and I needed to do something. Years ago my Dad told me that having a trade is one of the smartest things you can do, because you can always fall back on it. My dear hairstylist sister, Michelle always told me that hair would be my bread and butter. With these two voices ringing in my head, and knowing that I kept my cosmetology license current, I thought “it must be for a time like this.” So I dusted off the resume from 2007 and applied. Went on a few interviews and did some models. Finally landed at the place that I am at now.
Each moment, each day, each week I had to come back to surrender. Just doing what I need to do each day to survive. That is, after all the root chakra. Starting from the base, focusing on being grounded, safe, and getting myself into a place mentally where I could process what had happened. The hyper vigilant state I was in for months, was very disturbing. I needed to surrender to the fact that he was gone. I was afraid to even walk in my neighborhood. The memory of him coming in the door, hearing the key turn, and not knowing what kind of horror show that would ensue. I was jumpy to say the least. Always looking around me. I had to surrender, knowing that for some reason, I was protected now and that fear needed to be released. I surrendered to my old friend of jogging/running….alot. I also surrender to drinking and occupying my time with local friends. I knew in a way it was a distraction, but it also helped me to feel safe. Connecting with people in my neighborhood and friends at a local bar. I felt safe. I felt seen and protected. I was leery of inserting this because of how much stigma is around drinking and the spiritual community. Fuck that. In this case it has helped me tremendously. I started feeling safe in my neighborhood again. I was able to relax and laugh again. I am not condoning drinking as a distraction. I am condoning doing whatever YOU need to do, with awareness, to get yourself through any humps in life. Not relying on substance, but using what you know, until you don’t need it anymore. That’s what I did people! If you decide to judge me, that’s your problem. Surender to your own process, wisely.
Discovery:
I needed this experience to really put me in a place where I would choose my well being over a very toxic relationship. And if I learned so much, and grew so much from it, was it that toxic? It felt like my whole life that I had been towards, since 2014 had crumbled before my eyes and I was close to drowning. I discovered that things have to burn down, so you can let the phoenix rise. Cliche, I know, but that really is the best explanation of it.
I discovered how to take full responsibility for my actions, words, feelings, behaviors. I have discovered what it feels like to give back in healthy relationships. What it feels like to truly receive support when I think I don’t need it. How to be patient, wait, listen, trust, and not to give up. How amazing this life is, and worthy I am to live it.
One of the most surprising discoveries from this year has been my renewed love and EXTREME PASSION for doing hair and art! I love being behind the chair way more than I did 8 years ago. I NEVER EVER EVER thought I would be doing hair again, yet alone, loving it as much as I do. Turns out, all the work on following my intuition, has led to being more creative, fun, and bold behind the chair. My one on one work with students in Shakti Rev has led to me being able to really hear and listen to what clients in the chair really want. I can handle the mental and emotional conversations in the salon much better than I did all those years ago. It doesn’t effect me nearly as much, if at all. I mean, we aren’t talking inner child work while doing hair, so it feels much easier!
I feel rebellious. I feel more wild and true than ever! I feel a passion and light emanate brighter and hotter than I’ve ever felt. Not clear on what’s next for Shakti Rev expansion. I want to THANK YOU so much for the students that have stuck with me and trusted in my guidance, even though I may have not been at my best. You teach me, as much or more than, I teach you. So many blessings for all Shakti students past present and future. My heart is with all of you! I cold not have found my strength without this whole experience.
Discovery, that I in fact, have dug myself out of that hole. Out of the place that I was not being my true authentic self or serving my highest and best. I have atoned to myself for the ways I treated others in the past, and forgiven those that I felt harmed me. I have deep compassion for this person’s pain, and I truly hope he finds peace in this life. I don’t resent him. I thank him for participating in my clarity and expansion.
Putting one foot in front of the other, doing my best, every single day, no matter what that looked like, has helped me not only climb out of a hole, but to the top of a pretty darn good mountain. In the distance, I see a taller mountain. I want to discover what it’s going to take to climb that one.
Thank you for witnessing part of my journey.
All my love, blessings, and peace,
Sara Brooke Wolf