Do you love yourself inside & out? Can you feel electric love within you? Or have you ever been in such a dark place, that you felt it would be impossible to get out? Learn how to get out, find that love, and how it’s ok to be “selfish” in our culture today…
It is not my responsibility to help the world. It is not my responsibility to heal anyone. All I have to do, is care about how I feel, first & foremost. Care about where my excitement, passion, and laughter is. Only I am responsible for what I think, feel, say, and do. That is not to say, I don’t care about others. It means that my feelings are MY compass. Your feelings are YOURS.
This latest initiation, of which I dove deeply into Mother Earth, gave me an even brighter perspective on one’s growth factor. As a teacher, energy worker, and mentor, I love giving my time, advice, ear, and heart. As a human, I love dancing, socializing, and having adult beverages. This can deplete me really fast if I am not careful. About 2 months ago, I fell deep into depletion. An opportunity to drive to CO came up, so I believed this was the time I needed to move through it. As I camped alone, I felt the earth taking me into her bosom. Like the whole universe was swelling up around me & gently cradling me
As I drove back to AZ, I felt like that was all the time needed to replenish. What I did not know, was THAT was just the beginning. I continued to teach, push towards planning events, having drinks while socializing, and not keeping with my daily practice of meditation, exercise, journaling, eating healthy, etc.
I got more tired, less passionate, feeling stuck, hopeless, and even intense anger. The anger was a bit of a happy wake up call for me. Let me sidetrack for a moment…
Last fall I went through what I believe to be a fire initiation. I was so numb, lacking enthusiasm, and positive emotions, that I watched actual suicidal thoughts go through my mind. Thank God/Goddess/Divine for my practice up until then, so that I could observe these thoughts instead of being & acting on them. After about 2 months of this, I finally reached out for help. My mentor helped me to see and feel that I was in a deep depression, and had to ignite my fire to get out. I did constant work with Kali Ma mantras, angry painting, angry dancing & yelling. FINALLY, as the anger rose, so did my mood, enthusiasm, and passion, eventually bringing me back into a state where I felt equilibrium.
Coming back to my earth transformation this summer, when I felt anger, I was thrilled, because anger is a step up from depression. SO, I wasn’t depressed this time….what was it? I was allowing my thoughts of survival to run the show. Almost putting me in a constant state of fight/flight. Feeling lack of finances, safety, worrying about the future, and having regrets of the past.
Again, speaking with my mentor, I allowed myself to remember that I AM safe. I AM supported. I am not hungry. I have a safe, (and extremely comfy), place to sleep. I allowed my body to soften and melt deeper into the Earth Mother. The best way to explain this, is like I was in a bubble that descended deep into the earth’s core. A penetratable bubble that was gathering nutrients, minerals, deep, warm, nourishing love. On a daily basis, I could actually FEEL this nourishment occurring on a subtle and astral level. Deep into my heart and whole being.
I decided to get selfish again and dedicate my life & practice to me! I started with daily meditation, movement, and journaling. Slowly the ascent began. Not wanting to rush it as I was quite enjoying the love from Gaia, but at the same time, eager to have my heart full again so I could be of service to others.
Today is day 25 daily Sadhana. After the last full moon, there was a specific release that came up from some issues from the long-ago past I thought were over. What a blessing this one has been!
I feel more in love with me, my body, my mind, my soul, than ever before! I feel stronger, lighter, more ELECTRIC! Like fireworks are bursting in my cells all day long!
When I started on my awakening journey 5 years ago, I was doing specific work to heal. Specific topics, core wounds, and belief systems.
Now it is a bit different. I sit, breathe, and observe what is ready to come up. Feel it, appreciate where I am at, and how it feels to move through it. Not one is better than the other, just different. My daily practice will ensure that I continue to be of service to others with the utmost energy, love, compassion, and truth.
“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” -Lao Tzu
According to the Yoga Sutras of Pantanjali, we have painful, or painless thoughts. In other words, selfish, or selfless. In this case, all of my selfless thoughts and actions, depleted me so much, that I would have soon become unable to be of service from a true reservoir in my heart. It was the need for me to turn in and become selfish, in order to replenish. “-be selfish in the idea of retaining your own peace…be selfish in refusing to disturb your own peace.” -Sri Swami Satchidananda; The Yoga Sutras of Pantanjali
I don’t know if there will be water, air, ether, or some other initiation. That’s not important. What is important is the gratitude I have for this experience. Forgetting to FEEL so much on so many different levels. It is challenging to put these experiences into words that justify it all. Thank you for reading.
I would love to hear your stories, thoughts, and comments!
Remember to BREATHE, BELIEVE, RECEIVE!
Hugs & Love,