“Birds flying high you know how I feel Sun in the sky you know how I feel Breeze driftin’ on by you know how I feel. It’s a new dawn It’s a new day It’s a new life for me yeah…” -Nina Simone
Stepping into a new role, a new realm, a new dream. One must let go in order to grow. To allow for expansion. The following took place over the last couple days. All of it necessary. Even sharing all of it, necessary, to show how intense our brains can be, and how hurtful we are to ourselves when we just run around in our heads…
Sweat Lodge took place this past Sunday, and I was blessed enough to facilitate the water ceremony in between the 2 sweat sessions. As I set the intention of connecting deeply with our Sacral,(2nd) Chakras & flowing with our emotions, our Navajo guide set an intention of a 4 day transformation for all of us. Calling upon all elements, masculine & feminine energies. Honestly, as soon as my feet stepped outside the lodge I had forgotten about the 4 day intention. Day 1 I felt really heavy, tired, headaches. Figured it would pass by Tuesday. Tuesday, Day 2, came with heavy blockages in my thinking, and even more emotionally weighted down. Day 3 was yesterday, Wednesday. I felt anger brewing in me on my drive up North to teach yoga…the following came out of me as I wrote after class:
I can sense & feel the expansiveness. However, there is still this one issue that has really come back up in the last couple days. I am finding myself particularly tight and uncomfortable today. Maybe the Sweat Lodge Ceremony a couple days ago has brought this up to my surface in a massive way. Something keeps tugging. There is a looming question of “why” in my brain. Then even more complicatedly, why do I feel the need to know why?
Been on a role of working, sitting, writing, meditating, painting, softening, chanting, yoga and sweating this issue out for months now. Yet, there is still anger in my being. Resentment for words and actions not matching up. Could it be that I really resent myself for having expectations? I firmly live by(or at least thought I did) one of my teacher’s sayings: “Only I am responsible for what I think, feel, say & do.” So is there a time when it’s appropriate to point out to others that they aren’t taking responsibility for what they did? Am I at the point where accountability doesn’t matter anymore? So, with my anger, if I am the only one responsible, then that releases responsibility from others actions?
Understood that everyone is on their own path, and what people do, they do because of what is going on in their journey. Probably doesn’t have anything to do with you. Then why am I still so fucking angry???? I can be naive & gullible at times, so am I really mad at me for believing another’s words? Was there a time in my life that I did not speak my words with integrity & honesty? You bet! And I have long since forgiven myself for those times.
Is it possible that because I have such high standards for integrity and my own actions, that I hold others to those same standards? That would be quite unfair of me, no? Then I would be living with high expectations, and we all know that always disappoints. So maybe thats what I did. And it IS all in my head. SO, how do I let this go? Forgiving myself for setting high standards for myself? That doesn’t feel quite right… I need help gaining clarity so I can close this, and move on. I am really stuck with this. Have gone back & forth in my head for months about what to do. What am I holding on to? Why is this still around? Maybe I am not acknowledging & embracing my anger enough. Maybe my ego is so hurt that SHE is holding on stong to this issue.
This has to pass so that the expansiveness that I sense & feel can fully integrate into my new realm. My new dream. Oh sweet Universe, I need assistance…
(Holy shit, talk about writing with abandon! )
And…ASSISTANCE CAME! After this poured out of me, I decided to look up a teacher that my dear friend told me about. Tara Brach. She had a podcast on Youtube about letting go. I put in my headphones and settled in, determined to go through this. What I learned is that we hold onto something when one of our other vital needs are not being met. Lacking a certain “need” in my life, I had been choosing to hold onto this past situation & the anger from it, because on some level, I guess I felt that was all I had. Living here in AZ the past 8 months has been difficult. Being an extremely social person, I have no community, tribe, close friends to just chill with. Certainly no romantic or companionship interests. This is the first time ever I can remember feeling so isolated. So maybe I was holding onto this anger as some sort of safety blanket. As her podcast went on, I layed there feeling deeply into all the anger within me & moving through me. I drifted off into a deep healing space. When I awoke, I felt a little lighter. Letting go is letting be. Naming that which has a hold on you, automatically loosens that grip.
As my day was coming to a close, I picked up one of the books next to my bed. Anger, by Thich Nhat Hanh.
“The practice is to transform yourself. If you don’t have garbage, you have nothing to use in order to make compost. And if you have no compost, you have nothing to nourish the flower in you. You need the suffering, the afflictions in you. Since they are organic, you know that you can transform them and make good use of them…
….But once you have penetrated the reality of non-duality, you will smile at both the flower and garbage in you, you will embrace both.”
Hanh, Thich (2001-09-10). Anger (p. 71). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
Opened my eyes and felt lighter. Felt ready. Decided it was time for me to listen to this forgiveness meditation that my new business partner had sent me. Grabbed my large Rose Quartz & Apache Tear(black obsidian.) Knew this was going to come out gently & beautifully. And when I say know, just to be clear, Claircognizant.
Sat in this meditation & what happened was extraordinary. I had an actual conversation with the inner child of a being. Clear as day. A lot of clarity was received, forgiveness extended, love exchanged. I was able to cut cords of resentment. Enveloped this being in forgiveness, compassion, and love. I thanked them for the lesson, brought them into my heart, held them, and then allowed them to leave and continue on their path.
I actually saw & felt energy moving through me, and away from me. Like slow moving clouds in a movie. I also had a conversation with MY inner child, and received forgiveness from her. It was such a deep, profound, and beautiful experience. I never expected to receive this much clarity on everything, but it was amazing!!!
I feel different. Lighter. At peace. And free to continue to grow and step into my new role, new realm in this lifetime. It’s a new dawn, a new day.
4 days exactly! HA, sweat lodge magic! AHO!
Hugs & Love,