I have been lying. Smiling in pictures and posting positivity, like that’s where I was existing. In the hopes that I could trick myself into feeling more alive again. “Fake it until you make it?” NOPE, that isn’t working this time…
Lately, I’ve been holding onto my state of feeling like it was my last breathe. Actually De-pressing my anger so far down that it was glazed over with a serious black-hole-lack-of-passion and enthusiasm. Beginning to wonder if I was just becoming less human in a bizarre zombie-like way. Unconsciously listening to and believing my inner dialogue.
Once again I am not worthy. No clue what I am doing on this path. The world doesn’t really need my input, experiences, or stories. How incredibly foolish to believe in such beautiful energy and such conquering, grand love. Who was I to think I actually could find, and then deserve a love that monumental?
All my beliefs were going to hell in a hand basket real fucking fast. I still felt love for nature, music, animals and teaching, but my general feeling everyday was like that of a freshly wiped dry erase board. Blank. With the help of my darling teacher, Goddess Tara, I was able to gain a higher perspective. I had cast myself into a victim role, been grieving a past experience, and had pushed my anger deep down inside, and was actually depressed!!! I didn’t believe it at first. I thought depressed was laying in bed all day crying. And that, I had already done. Truly thought I was passed the depression stage. As words came out of my mouth during our conversation, it became very clear how angry I still was over something that had happened some months ago.
Yes, I went on a very literal, beautiful, long road trip and those amazing miles put the pieces of my heart back together. There was no longer a sharp pain in my chest. There are so many moving pieces in a rite of passage, that I had neglected one of the most important issues. My emotions. I was only concerned with stopping the physical heartache. I had ignored my anger. Even tried to talk my self out of it with compassion and forgiveness work. Well maybe those two can’t fall into place in the healing hopscotch board, unless you EXPRESS your emotions as they come. Acknowledging the emotions, and allowing them to pass on through, not control you.
I even teach & preach to others how incredibly important it is to recognize, express, and honor your emotions. My clarity came with a very disturbing fact: I was afraid of my anger. I felt shameful of my intensity. I was angry with how strong and bold I can be. I had terrified someone I love, as well as myself, with my incredibly intensity, and was(am) fucking angry at myself for that. Like in an almost unforgivable way. So I pushed, and pushed hard to try and not face all of this, and it has depressed me. My soul energy felt like it could be extinguishing. My light was fading at a rapid pace, and there was a part of me that didn’t care. Maybe it would be better if I just didn’t accept this path, and went back to sleep-walking. Self doubt like I have never felt before. Unworthiness. Shame on me. I DID & DO have a choice. Remembering words from another teacher: “Once you take the red pill, you can’t go back.” Did I want to continue? Or turn around and try to hide?
When faced with these questions, it was clear that my fire needs to be re-ignited. Thank you sweet Divine for keeping my pilot light on! Calling upon the Goddess Kali Ma for liberation from ego and grace in my daily life. Sitting in daily mediation and beginning to acknowledge my anger. To really FEEL IT TO HEAL IT. To express it in a safe, effective, and creative way. Building up my fire so I can live and create with passion and enthusiasm once again. To be free is to embrace ALL my parts, and at the same time realize I am so much more. While traveling abroad, I wrote a piece about walking through fear. Well now, I am getting to walk through my anger, continuing on my mastery path. I have remembered, there is nothing else in this life I would rather do more, than consciously continue heart-first on my path of awakening. Now observing this transition of being born again,(not the first & FOR SURE not the last death I will face in this lifetime), and starting to feel even more free, wild, and strong, I am remembering how I deserve all of it, because it is ALL inside of me. I am all of that, and believe with this passage, I will never again question how grand of a love I deserve, because I AM THAT GRAND LOVE!
My belief is being restored and I will continue to Breathe, BELIEVE, Receive!
Hugs and Super-Strong LOVE,